Spaghetti Thoughts
When life throws everything it has at you, how do you refocus?
The past year has without a doubt been the worst year I’ve encountered. The beginning of 2020 I was querying the first book I’d ever written. I’d never had a previous inclination to write before the moment an image popped into my head, but my fingers went to work. The story I fell in love with writing was dark, and twisted, yet light and funny. The hook received a good bit of agent attention, but as each full came back as a rejection, I realized nothing was truly different about the story. It needed something I hadn’t yet learned because I had only started writing.
Midway through last year my brother-in-law was murdered and I couldn’t focus for weeks after. Anger brewed inside me, bubbling over into how I dealt with my kids, my family, and my editing. It took awhile before I was able to really focus on writing something new because I couldn’t replace the anger I felt with something I loved. It’s a hard thing to be a mystery writer, writing about murder, when someone close to you is murdered. I felt as if I was making entertainment out of something that was painful. I had to come to terms with how I process death before I was able to return to my passion. It took a few months but I was finally able to sit down and write a story that was close to my heart. My Clue story(currently querying.)
I was chugging along on edits and had just started querying when I found out I’d miscarried our third child a day before my husband had to leave for a month long training. I had complications and ended up back in the hospital in the worst pain I’d ever felt. I spent a month just trying to focus on editing and getting my manuscript tidy instead of processing the loss I was going through, and life through another bombshell at me.
My 36 year old special needs brother passed away from something that was completely preventable. I still can’t process the anger I feel at the negligence of his passing. He was the type of person you could meet once and you just knew if you saw him again that he would remember and have a big smile and hug for you. As a teenager I resented having to take care of him when my parents had to work, but as I matured, I grew to love hearing his voice ask me one million questions. His syndrome, Prader- Willi, was characterized by no impulse control, which resulted in tons of hilarious moments I’ll keep close to my heart and retell my kids when they’re older.
It’s been about three weeks since his passing and I’m still so angry that I can’t really focus on my third MS. I’m angry that my mom lost a son and that I lost a brother. Both my husband and I, and our moms, lost a brother and a child within one calendar year and it’s heartbreaking. It’s heartbreaking that I can’t find peace in the one thing I love. My writing.
I know this entire post sounds like spaghetti thoughts, but I just had to get it out of my brain! I had to say that I HATED 2020 and 2021(even though it’s not over yet.) But, there’s light coming around the corner. I have to believe that.
Psalm 30:5 NKJV
Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.
Tobie <3
