Loss

People deal with loss in so many different ways. Some spiral into a dark depression, some go on with life like it never happened, and some are a mixture of both. I found myself somewhere in between this past month. Death has always followed me from a young age. I lost my best friend to Meningitis when he was five, and the hold death had on my life didn’t stop there. Cancer took my stepmom eight years ago, suicide took my grandmother when I was in middle school, and dementia is taking my grandfather currently. When you become so used to people leaving you eventually learn to cherish them each day you have them.

My brother in law was murdered the day before fourth of July by a nineteen year old boy. His sixteen and seventeen year old brothers were there and helped him get away. Thankfully, all three were caught and are charged with first degree murder, but it’s hard to reconcile the feelings of what they did and what happens next. It breaks my heart to think that while we lost a family member, their mother just lost three kids in one moment. It’s hard to wish life in prison on someone, especially when they are so young, and that is what my family has been dealing with lately. We forgive because that is what we are called to do as believers in Jesus Christ, but our human nature wants to fight against that because they took something so precious to us away.

I found myself being more angry than sad at the situation. Angry for the uncle my children will have to learn about through memories that fade, angry that he never had a chance to have kids or get married, angry that music has changed for me (He was a kick@$$ drummer), and so many other things. I don’t want to feel angry though. I am happy he is in Heaven, and I know he is getting to experience amazing things up there, but I’m mad because I don’t feel like we got enough time to experience things with him. I know that sounds selfish, but that’s human nature. It still feels surreal, like it didn’t happen, but it did.

So now I am back to the routine of every day life, but still have this anger I am carrying. Hopefully, it will dull over time.